The Art of Unpleasant Conversations – Part 3

Starting the Unpleasant Conversation

The last two posts focused on preparing for and engaging in difficult conversations.  This post will cover a few ideas for starting this type of conversation [1]. I will use the name John for the counterpart.

“John, I have an idea that I would like to share with you when you have a few minutes.  I think it will aid in the <efficiency or effectiveness> of <Insert Topic>.”

“John, I would like to talk with you about <Insert Topic>, but first I would like to hear your perspective.”

“John, It sounds like we are approaching <Insert Topic> from different points of view.  I would like to understand your perception if you have a few minutes.”

“Regarding, <Insert Topic>, I have a few thoughts I wanted to share with you, but I would like see your view of the situation if you have time to discuss.”

“John, Would you mind helping me with <Insert Topic>?  I would like to see how you feel about it.”

“John, Would you mind helping me with <Insert Topic>?  I would like to see how you feel about it.”

“John, Yesterday’s meeting was intense.  I would like to see how you feel about <What Was Said> and/or <The Outcome>.”

The previous examples all contain two key elements: a summary of the topic and a desire to understand the other person’s perspective.  The topic is presented to help set expectations regarding the nature of the conversation.  You do not want an employee coming into your office thinking she is getting a raise when you really need to discuss lackluster performance.  But keep in mind when staring your topic, it is very important that you present it in neutral language.  The second element, expressing a desire to understand, frames the your stance on the conversation as a joint effort to resolve a difficulty.  It communicates respect for the other person, levels the conversational field by expressing a desire for joint participation, and demonstrates a willingness and desire to work together to address the points of concern.

 

Sources

1. Ringer, Judy. “We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations,” Mediate.com, Last Modified May 2006, http://goo.gl/0pqNJj

The Art of Unpleasant Conversations – Part 2



Engaging in Unpleasant Conversations



In the previous post, we reviewed the first step in having an unpleasant or difficult conversation: preparation.  In this post, we will look at the approach for engaging in tough discussions.  There are two distinct aspects to difficult conversations: your state of being and what you do. [1]

Your mental and physical disposition during a tough conversation will greatly impact the other person’s perception of you.  How they perceive you is also likely to sway the results of the conversation favorably or unfavorably in your direction.  So what is the best state of mind for engagement?  Calm and focused.

Being calm allows you to become the center of gravity for the conversation, especially if the other individual sways in his or her emotional balance.  Being calm throughout the discourse, you will become the emotional anchor of the conversation and assume the leadership role when the other person “loses their cool.”

This being said, remaining calm can fall into the category of, “easy to say and hard to do.”  Here are some suggestions for calming yourself that have worked for me over the years.  On the day the conversation is to take place, wake up an hour earlier than you normally would, take a jog or long walk, and mentally review your preparation work.  Before engaging in the conversation take ten to fifteen minutes and sit down in a quiet place, close your eyes, and breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.  By doing any or all of these things you will better prepare yourself to be calm during the conversation.

Being focused is equally as important as being calm when cultivating the right state of mind for engaging in an unpleasant conversation.  Being focused means that you remain on task.  It is often easy to digress from or insufficiently address the tougher points of the conversation because we are afraid to address them.  However, it will be impossible to effectively resolve the problem underlying the conversation without addressing even the toughest, most unpleasant points directly.  The primary means for focusing the conversation will be through preparation for the conversation.  By thoroughly preparing, you will know what is important to you and why, which will become a guidepost leading you to the matters that need to be addressed and away from issues that do not.

Now that your state of mind is calm and focused, how should you engage in the dialogue? There are four iterative steps that can be taken during the conversation that will set the tone for resolution: Question, Understand, Promote, Solve.



Question
:  Begin the conversation by seeking to uncover the other person’s perception of the problem.  Even if they are your boss or spouse, act as if you possess no understanding.  Have them build the perspective on the issue from the ground up.  Use open ended questions to allow them to paint a broad picture and use closed questions to clarify the details.  Ask them about what is important to them regarding the issue at hand and why it is important.  At this phase, do not put forth your perspective. Let them have a chance to speak until they have expressed their interests and frustrations.  If they attack you personally, stay calm. Let them finish speaking and keep the conversation focused on gathering information about their perspective.

Understand:  
The next step in the conversation is to ensure you understand what has been said.  Understanding is about knowing their position, interests, and feelings.  Summarize what you have learned, and seek confirmation of your own understanding.  Be careful to summarize what they have told you in a neutral language, especially if they might be embarrassed by what they said.  In other words, if they lose their emotional balance and attack you personally, summarize what they said back to them as an attack on the underlying conflict. [2]  For example, “If I understand you correctly … <Insert their Position, Interests, Feelings> … does it sound like I have understood you?”  If possible, acknowledge the merit of their perspective.  This does not mean you are agreeing with them, only that if you were them you may have similar feelings about the issue.  Something like, “I can certainly see why … <Inset Point of Acknowledgement> … is important to you.  If I were in your shoes, I would likely have a similar point of view.”  By demonstrating that you have listened and acknowledging their position as valid from their own perspective, you create an environment of partnership, which will make attacking you even more difficult.



Promote:  
Once you have listened and understood, you are on solid footing to promote your own interests.  When promoting your interests, there are a couple of things to keep in mind:

1. Promote your interests, not your position.  Your interests are not your position, but rather, why what you are asking for is important to you.
2. Avoid posturing your perspective in opposition their own.  This is much easier when your discourse is focused on your interests.
3. Focus your energy on the problem underlying the conversation and avoid enmeshing the other person as all or part of the problem.



Solve
:  Having listened, understood, and promoted, it is now time to pivot the conversation to potential solutions for the underlying conflict.  You can say something like, “Now that we have a better understanding of each other’s perspectives, let’s think of some ideas that may address both of our interests.”  You can ask them to propose solutions first, or you can take the lead.  However, be careful to avoid the adversarial trap of letting your or the other person’s ideas become their positions.  If this happens, ask more questions to help clarify their concerns.  It may be useful to suggest brainstorming ideas together if neither of you has a firm proposal to present.  Once you have some ideas to work with, continue refining them until you reach a solution that is right for both of you.

Though the steps were described in a linear manner, the process will likely be iterative in the actual conversation.  If you feel like you are losing your focus, just think of what step is most appropriate in the moment and take the associated action.  By remaining calm and staying focused on the process, your tough conversation is likely to be much smoother that you would have imagined.

 

Sources

1. Ringer, Judy. “We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations,” Mediate.com, Last Modified May 2006, http://goo.gl/0pqNJj
2. Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes, (New York: Penguin, 2011)

The Art of Unpleasant Conversations – Part 1

Preparing for Unpleasant Conversations

How often do you avoid conflict?  When you do, are you as satisfied with the outcome derived from avoiding the issue as you would be if you had struck a deal or at least tried?  There is nothing wrong with making a conscious decision to avoid conflict as a strategy for dealing with differences.  However, most of who have used this method often feel like we have given something up or missed an opportunity to have gotten what we wanted or needed from the conflict.

In his article, “Stay Open,” William Ury suggests another method. “The key, though, is not to move away from the issue, but into it.”  He goes onto say, “When we move toward a problem, move into it and engage with it, we lift ourselves and our spirits.”  [1] So perhaps it is worth considering the benefits of moving “into” a problem instead of avoiding it.  But just how do we do that?

The primary method of engaging interpersonal conflicts is through conversation.  The key is to have these conversations in a way that deals with the conflict rather than exacerbating it.  The next several posts address ways to have an unpleasant conversation effectively.  The first step is preparing for the conversation.

Below are several ideas for preparing for a conversation in manner that effectively addresses the problem without making it worse: [2]

Set Your Agenda
Define the purpose, objective, and desired outcome of the conversation.  When thinking about your purpose and objective attempt to frame it in a way that creates value for you and the other person.  Thinking in terms of mutual benefit will go a long way in setting the underlying tone of the dialogue.

Check Your Assumptions
What are you assuming about the conversation, the perspective, and potential reaction of the other person?  Are you assuming you understand their intentions based on your fears of the conversation or outcome? [3] Taking time to separate your assumptions from what you know puts you in a better position to discuss issues without unnecessarily entangling the other person.

Consider Your Triggers
If the conversation you are preparing for is likely to trigger an emotional reaction, then you are wise to take an inventory of a) what emotions are likely to be triggered b) how you may potentially react to the emotional triggers c) what you can do in the midst of the conversation to avoid being side tracked by your emotions.  This is, of course, very difficult to do, but by preparing, you a much more likely to remain calm, which is what most people would like in intense conversations.

Check Your Attitude
Most people who have succeeded in difficult endeavors attribute their attitude and the mental perception of the difficulty and its surmountability, as a large part of why they succeeded.  Dealing with tough people is no different. Your perception of what you are likely to accomplish will significantly guide the outcome.  Take time to consider your attitude, and if needed, refine it for success.

Consider the Other Side
Thinking about your counterpart in the conversation is an important factor in your success.  How do you feel about the other person? Do you view them as a partner or an adversary?  If you perceive them adversarially, how could you become partners?  What does the other person think of the problem that is driving the conversation?  How different are you perspectives likely to be?  What are their interests related to the problem? What are some likely options they would accept to resolve the issue?  Do any of the options they are likely to approve present mutual gains for both of you?  Though this type of preparation may not provide insight into how they are actually thinking of the problem, it will prepare you to think of the issues from their side, which will be beneficial during the conversation.  Being empathetic to their point of view helps position you as a partner addressing a joint problem.

Consider Your Interests
An important factor in achieving a desirable outcome from the conversation is to understand what your interests (needs, concerns, wants) are and how they will be met.  Why is the problem driving the need to for conversation important to you?  What does achieving your desired objective look like?  Are there any alternative means of achieving what you want or need? If so, how?  The more creative you can be in determining your interests, the more likely you will be to see multiple paths to meeting those interests.  The more options you have for meeting your needs the more likely you will be to come to an agreement about how to solve the problem.

The crux of these ideas is a keen self-awareness.  By examining what you want, why you want it, emotional roadblocks, attitude, and the other person’s potential perspective, you are empowering yourself to be calm, collected, and lead a tough conversation.

 

Sources

1. William Ury, “Stay Open,” LifeByMe.com. Last Accessed March 13 , 2012, http://goo.gl/WjjQds.
2. Ringer, Judy. “We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations,” Mediate.com, Last Modified May 2006, http://goo.gl/0pqNJj
3. Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes, (New York: Penguin, 2011)

Building Rapport

A mediator’s ability to build rapport with the individuals involved in resolving a dispute is a critical skill (see previous post).  Establishing rapport is key to opening the lines of communication between parties regarding their interests.  Lacking a firm grasp on both sides’ interests makes it difficult, if not impossible, to create options for resolution that satisfy the needs of both parties.

Much of the available information about building rapport centers on the idea that we as humans are more likely to establish bonds of trust with those whom we view as similar to ourselves.  This idea makes sense.  We all tend to gravitate towards those with whom we find similar interests, professions, beliefs; etc.  However, in techniques for building rapport, the focus tends to be on matching more-or-less unconscious characteristics of the individual with whom you are conversing.  For example, one of the most frequently cited techniques for building rapport is to mimic the body language of the individual with whom you are attempting to establish rapport.

Below are several frequently cited methods for building rapport. [1]

Vocal Tonality: Does your counterpart speak loudly or softly? Do they speak from their throat, nose, or chest? Do they pronounce certain words differently than you would? Once you have determined the answers to these questions, refine your vocal tonality to match your counterpart.

Rate of Speech: What if you are negotiating a dispute with an individual who has a slower rate of speech than your own? Commonly accepted rapport building advice suggests that you should match the rate of speech of your counterpart.

Summarizing:  This technique is already commonly used by mediators, but negotiators would be wise to heed the advice of this rapport building skill.  After your counterpart speaks, summarize what they have said and ask for them to confirm that your understanding matches their intentions.  When possible, affirm what has been said with approval. For example, “If I understand you correctly … Is that right? … Well that is great to hear (when appropriate).”

Body Language:  Matching body language is a technique equally as useful for the mediator as negotiator.  There are several key match points when using this technique.  First, when your counter-party shifts their posture, wait 10 to 15 seconds and the shift your own to match theirs.  When one of the mediating parties uses particular hand gestures, use the same hand gestures when you are summarizing their perspective back to them.  Last, match the facial expressions, shoulder shrugs, and head nods of your counter party in real time.

Though some of these ideas seem strange, the above list comprises the most commonly referenced techniques for building rapport. So, whether you are mediating between parties or negotiating for a settlement, attempting to mirror the unconscious behavior of the parties may provide an edge in creating a connection.

 

Sources

1. Kumar, AJ. Persuasive.net. “How to Build Rapport,” Last Modified 28 July 2012. http://goo.gl/vyJepV

Three Skills of Successful Mediators

Whether you are seeking the assistance of a professional mediator to aid in resolving a dispute or you are a mediator aiding others in conflict resolution, there are three skills that have been noted by 30 of the top United States mediators as essential to success. [1]

Rapport:  Effective mediators can establish rapport, or a “harmonious or sympathetic relation,” between disputing parties. [2] The rapport facilitates trust, which, in turn, facilitates communication about their underlying needs and desires regarding settlement.  Possessing an understanding of both parties’ needs and desires enables the mediator to propose solutions in line with both parties’ interests.

Creativity:  Mediators who are able to understand the interests of both parties have a much better chance of proposing creative solutions that meet the needs of both sides. Successful mediators are able to use a both parties’ interests as a pivot to inventing creative options for resolution.

Patience:  This famous virtue is key to effective mediation.  Giving parties the time needed to express themselves and think through the issues creates space for resolution.  One mediator noted, “I don’t give up. I have sat with parties who have claimed they simply don’t see a way to a resolution and said, ‘Well, we’ll just sit for a while and think more on it.’ Most parties are loath to send the mediator packing, so they sit and usually think of something, especially if I occasionally throw out an idea.”

 

Sources

1. Stephen B. Goldberg, “Choose the Right Mediator.” Mediation Secrets for Better Business Negotiations. Harvard Program on Negotiation. 2010.
2. Dictionary.com “Rapport.” Accessed 1 March 2012. http://goo.gl/Uqtxnv